User Comments: Date: 8 May 2004
Summary: I really hated this movie
After a brief and pointless prologue in which defrocked monk Esteban (Bull
from
"Night Court") decapitates a pretty young virgin (or rather, the wax dummy
who
was nice enough to substitute for her at the last minute) the rest of the
movie
gets under way...and it doesn't have much to do with the first five minutes
at
all.
Clint Howard (yes, Ron's brother) plays orphaned Coopersmith, the most
unpopular
resident of a posh military academy. For nearly 90 full minutes, we get to
watch as Coopersmith is ridiculed, teased, tormented, humiliated and
emasculated
by his fellow classmates, his soccer coach, the CO and even the chaplain.
His
homework assignments are destroyed, his uniform tied in knots, his butt
swatted
with wet towels in the locker room, his pants pulled down in front of pretty
girls...all by a group of dorky looking guys who don't look much cooler or
popular than Clint himself. The sadistic foursome even go so far as to
slaughter an innocent puppy that Clint had been caring for in the films most
reprehensible, tasteless moment. Yeah, way to go Mr. Director! If you were
trying to establish sympathy for Mr. Howard by killing a cute little puppy,
you
failed. Clint finally - FINALLY!! after almost an hour and a freaking
half!! -
decides to get revenge. You see, he's been putzing around in the church
cellars
all this time, and he's stumbled across some useful items, like a book of
Satanic incantations. After rigging his antiquated computer up in the
spooky,
cobwebby cellar, Clint raises some Hell, and the evil Esteban returns...as a
Satanic video game. No I'm not kidding. Pong-era graphics depict cheesy
spinning pentagrams and Space Invaders sound effects which are supposed to
freak
you out but are about as scary as a game of Mrs. PacMan. Clint sells his
soul
to Satan for revenge, and Hell dutifully spits up some flesh eating pigs, a
heart ripping zombie and some phony looking decapitations amid the fiery
destruction of the films final scenes through which Clint floats, suspended
on
wires and looking like the hellish result of Albert Einstein's unholy union
with
Howdy Doody.
I really hated this movie.
Clint Howard is, at times, sympathetic, but mostly I wanted to smack him and
tell him to stop blubbering and grow a spinal cord. The few friends that
Clint
has seem to have been thrown in as afterthoughts, since their presence
makes
no
difference. Not even Haywood Smith (whom "What's Happening?" fans will
recognize as HayHAYHay! Duane) is allowed to do much of anything as Clint's
supposed best friend. The bullies looked like they'd been rejected from the
geek cast of Porky's and the hateful teachers were not at all amusing
despite
their stereotypical roles. And that puppy slaughter scene...I swear, if I
ever
meet the sick, tapeworm-ridden garbage bag of a person responsible for THAT
brilliant idea, I am going to take him to the vets and have him
neutered...or
spayed...and forced into a head cone two sizes too small and locked in a pen
with a rabid pit bull.
I really really really hated this movie.
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