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Tools Of Recovery

The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous is a program of recovery. The tools are some methods
through which we work and live the Twelve Steps. A tool is a means to an end; it can never be an end in of
itself.

In order for a tool to work, it must be used, and so, too, with our tools of recovery. Unless we act upon them,
there can be no recovery. The tools we practice are our actions in working the Twelve Steps of recovery and
the process of developing our own spirituality. By utilizing the tools, we learn to move from fear to faith,
from shame to acceptance, and from blame to forgiveness. We also learn about boundaries, self-acceptance,
self-love, self-esteem, and how to address our own resistance. We begin to act with integrity and
authenticity.

The Tools Are:

1. ABSTINENCE

In Co-Dependents Anonymous, abstinence means to abstain from obsessive, compulsive relationships. There
are no absolutes for abstinence. It is both a tool that facilitates working the Twelve Steps and a result of
living the Steps.

As a tool, abstinence brings the symptom of codependency to an immediate halt. We willingly adopt
disciplined, well-balanced boundaries. From this vantage point, we can begin to follow the Twelve-Step
recovery program a day at a time. Now we are able to move beyond the compulsive behaviour to a fuller
living experience.

As a result of practicing the Twelve-Step program, the symptom of codependency is removed on a daily basis.
Thus, abstinence is also an attitude change directly due to the program.

For many codependents, abstinence also means:

 Freedom from the bondage of obsessive relationships.
 Planning and developing a manner of living that puts relationships in their proper perspective.
 Trusting that a power greater than ourselves has removed the compulsion to overact, or at such
times when it is experienced, we need not react at all, because we have the strength, courage and
hope to resist.
 Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. Consciously deciding to let go of negative feelings towards a
person who has harmed us, and towards ourselves when we fall back into our codependent
behaviours may improve our emotional, spiritual, and physical health.
 The process of surrendering to something greater than ourselves; the more total our surrender, the
more fully realized our freedom from codependent behaviour.
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2. SPONSORSHIP

The CoDA program suggests that we cannot recover alone. We need to make a conscious decision to seek
help from our Higher Power and other recovering CoDA members in order to work the Program. For many
codependents, reaching out to others is difficult because we’ve always done everything ourselves. Some of
us fear rejection and would rather not disclose our vulnerabilities to other people. However, in recovery, we
learn to ask for help when needed, from our Higher Power, sponsor, or friends.

Some of us have come to CoDA with a history of unmanageable relationships. Being involved in a
sponsor/sponsee relationship gives us an opportunity to change unwanted patterns that interfere with our
ability to relate with others. We learn another way to choose the people we want to invite into our lives. We
ask a sponsor to guide us through our program of recovery on all three levels: physical, emotional and
spiritual. In working with other members of CoDA and sharing their experience, sponsors continually renew
and reaffirm their own recovery. Sponsors are CoDA members who are committed to living the Twelve Steps
and the Twelve Traditions to the best of their ability sharing their hope, strength, courage and recovery.

Sponsoring and being sponsored teaches us about ourselves, our strengths and liabilities. It is more “about
ourselves” than it is “about” the other person. Eventually, we become willing to put aside the belief that we
are responsible for another’s well-being, or that someone else is responsible for ours. In the process, we can
learn to practice healthy limits, goal-setting and boundaries. We can find our voices and even learn to say
‘no’ when appropriate. We can also learn to be accepting, forgiving, and patient, and even change sponsors
without experiencing guilt or shame for changing our minds. Most of us find new ways to give and receive
love. Some people learn lessons about the freedom and relief in letting go. What we lose in old behaviour
we gain in new attitudes of humility and gratitude.

As codependents, many of us find that sponsorship is beneficial to our recovery. Sponsors guide sponsees in
working the CoDA Steps. As sponsees, we may share parts of our journal, our Fourth Step inventory, or
letters to a family member with our sponsor. As sponsors, we listen actively, intently and patiently, and
openly share our experience how it was for us in codependence and how it is now in recovery. Sponsorship
provides a rich arena for both parties to learn to share without becoming enmeshed, without dictating, and
without taking things personally. A healthy sponsorship relation helps build trust and an opportunity for
growth. A key ingredient to being a good sponsor is having a sponsor. Participating in sponsorship builds
CoDA community and promotes unity. Healthy sponsorship builds healthy meetings.

CoDA is a program of attraction; find a sponsor who has what you want and ask how it was achieved.

3. MEETINGS

As codependency led to problems within our relationships, we discovered isolating and hiding our true selves
no longer worked and began to realize the benefit of belonging to a group, a place to try out and experience
healthy relationships.

Meetings are gatherings of two or more codependents who come together to share their experience in
recovery. Though there are many different types of meetings, fellowship is the basis of all of them. Meetings
are an opportunity for us to identify and confirm our common problem by relating to one another and by
sharing the gifts we receive through this program. We learn more about CoDA, codependence patterns and
characteristics, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions and even how to cope with uncomfortable feelings and
how to engage positively with others in various ways regardless of whether we may agree or disagree with a
person.
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When sharing in meetings, CoDA members share their own truth in their recovery. We are free to share our
feelings and experiences, be they painful, shameful, or joyous, in an atmosphere of safety and security,
without being interrupted, criticized, ridiculed, or judged. In fact, we often hear people share stories that are
similar to our own. Through identifying with others, we realize we are not alone, and we feel comforted.
Listening to others’ experiences helps us gain insight into our relationships with others and ourselves. By
allowing ourselves to recognize and release pent up emotions, we begin the healing process. Additionally,
many of us find that once we’ve shared about ourselves, we feel more connected with the group’s members
and many of us report feeling more positive after attending a meeting.

Recovery depends on CoDA meetings being viable. From the time we were led to our first Co-Dependents
Anonymous group and realized the wealth of help obtainable, we have relied on CoDA being available on a
consistent basis. When we get the word out about the meetings, we remember our Eleventh Tradition: “Our
public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion.”

If there are a number of available meetings in the area, CoDA suggests trying several different ones, but the
basic meeting format reminds us that “who you see here, what is said here, when you leave here, let it stay
here.” Respecting the confidentiality of CoDA members adds to a feeling of safety within the group, assuring
us that our participation in CoDA is not made known without our consent. Anonymity reminds us of Tradition
Twelve: to place principles before personalities.

We may have started going to CoDA meetings hoping to find a one-time cure, but we keep attending
meetings because we find ongoing reinforcement in a program that supports our spiritual and personal
growth on our journey towards authenticity.

4. TELEPHONE

Codependency is a disease of isolation. The telephone is a means of communicating with another

codependent between meetings. It provides an immediate outlet for those hard to handle highs and lows we
all experience. The telephone is also a daily link to our sponsor, offers the means to find a meeting, and, as
part of the surrender process, is a tool by which we learn to ask for help, reach out and extend that same
help to other members. Those of us who have the convenience of cell phones need never be far away from
support.

Telephone lists are a lifeline allowing codependents the opportunity to keep in touch with our support
network when we need to talk to someone about our codependent issues. When we as group members,
agree to have our phone numbers listed for newcomers, we are willing to be available for the codependent
who still suffers. However, it is important to remember that those of us available on a phone list are not
professional therapists.

5. ANONYMITY

Anonymity is a tool as well as a Tradition because it guarantees that we will place principles before
personalities. It offers each of us freedom of expression and protection against gossip. Anonymity assures us
that only we as individual CoDA members have the right to make our membership known within our
community.

Anonymity at the level of press, radio, films and television means that we never allow our last names or faces
to be used once we identify ourselves as CoDA members.
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Within the Fellowship, anonymity means that whatever we share with another CoDA member will be held in
respect and confidence. What we hear at meetings should remain there. It should be understood, however,
that anonymity must not be used to limit our effectiveness within the Fellowship. It is not a break of
anonymity to give our names and phone numbers to the secretary of the group or to other service officers of
CoDA for the purpose of conducting CoDA business, which is primarily Twelve Step work. It is likewise not a
break in anonymity to enlist Twelve Step help for group members in trouble, provided we are careful to omit
specific personal information. If their disease has reactivated and we persist in protecting their anonymity,
we may, in effect, help kill them and their anonymity.

6. LITERATURE

CoDA Conference Endorsed literature is written by CoDA members for codependents. What better way to
feel connected than by reading the words of other members who have gone through what we are
experiencing? The CoDA Blue Book and Conference Endorsed pamphlets and booklets are sources of
experience, strength and hope. Reading about codependency as seen through the eyes of other
codependents can provide new perspectives and support. It also impresses on us certain basic truths we
have found vital to our growth. Many of us also read spiritual literature to start our day off on a positive
note.

We also study two Alcoholics Anonymous books: the Big Book, and the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions to
reinforce our program. Our CoDA literature and the AA literature are an ever available tool that gives insight
into our problem as well as the strength to deal with it and the very real hope that there is a solution for us.

Sharing focused on the Steps, Traditions, and topics found in CoDA literature helps members grow together
in the program. Reading the literature between meetings helps build a sense of connection to the program
and aids our progress towards spirituality.

Slogans (including our prayers, such as the CoDA opening and closing prayer, the Serenity Prayer, Third Step
Prayer, Seventh Step Prayer, and Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow prayer) are also part of our literature and
provide us with opportunities for reflection and daily personal reminders of hope teaching us to practice
patience, persistence, and recovery solutions in our otherwise hectic daily lives.

7. WRITING

As codependents, many of us use writing as a tool to identify and process our feelings. By placing our
thoughts and feelings on paper, or describing a troubling incident, it helps us to better understand our
actions and reactions in a way that is often not revealed to us by simply thinking or talking about them. In
the past, codependent behaviour was our most common reaction to life. When we put our difficulties down
on paper, it becomes easier to see situations more clearly and perhaps better discern any necessary action.

There are many different forms of the writing tool that are available to us. Some more commonly used forms
in CoDA are Journals, Letters, Step Work, and Affirmations.

Journals: Writing in a journal about our experiences, memories, feelings, thoughts, hopes, needs, fears, and
desires in our relationships with family, friends, and colleagues helps us gain insight into our issues and work
through them. Reading out loud what we have written may be a powerful experience in increasing our self-
knowledge. Reviewing earlier journal entries helps us to recognize our progress.
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Letters: Some of us write letters to ourselves, to our Higher Power, or to others, perhaps even a person who
has died. These letters may express love, anger, disappointment or regret. They may be written without
concern for spelling or punctuation and need not be mailed. The important thing is to get the thoughts and
feelings on paper. Writing letters to others and ourselves can promote healing, acceptance and serenity.

Step Work: In addition to using the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions Workbook, when working on a step,
some of us have found it particularly helpful in writing it out. In each step, we ask ourselves questions like,
‘What are some characteristics and patterns I see in my behaviour that lead me to believe I might be
codependent?’, ‘Who is my Higher Power?’, ‘What are some ways I experience taking my will back?’, ‘Who
have I harmed and how?’, ‘How can I make amends?’, and, ‘What can I do to be of service and give back?’.
Writing our responses down allows us to organize our random thoughts, and possibly bring hidden thoughts
to the forefront. We also engage in other Step writings, such as an autobiography in Step One, various
inventories in Step Four, lists of people harmed in Step Eight and so on. Writing in our Step work helps us
develop our recovery by understanding our own histories, discover our liabilities and take action by
exercising responsibility for ourselves and not anyone else.

8. SERVICE

Carrying the message to the codependent who still suffers is the basic purpose of our Fellowship and
therefore the most fundamental form of service. Any service, no matter how small, that will help reach a
fellow sufferer adds to the quality of our own recovery. Putting away chairs, making coffee, talking to
newcomers, doing whatever needs to be done in a group or for CoDA as a whole are ways in which we give
back what we have so generously been given. Do what you can when you can. “A life of sane and happy
usefulness” is what we are promised as the result of working the Twelve Steps; service fulfills that promise.

What would happen to Co-Dependents Anonymous if no one volunteered for service? Or what would
happen if only a few CoDA members did all the work? The answer is obvious; CoDA would eventually cease
to exist. Regular rotation of service positions gives every member the chance to participate, ensuring that
recovery continues to serve the worldwide Fellowship and be available for us and those who follow.

Service work is a win-win situation because it benefits the Fellowship as well as the individuals who serve.
Through service work, recovering codependents learn many lessons: to work as part of a team, accept group
conscience decisions gracefully, be more direct in communicating their needs, to negotiate and compromise,
be more comfortable taking on leadership roles, set healthy boundaries, and learn more about who we are.
Service work provides a natural way for individuals to use their talents and creativity to meet and get to know
other codependents in more depth.

CoDA has survived because it is more than a group of people coming together toward a common goal: a
desire for healthy and loving relationships. CoDA is a spiritual program that follows a well mapped out series
of Steps and Traditions and is guided by a loving Higher Power. Through service, our groups and committees
continue to carry the message of recovery to codependents who still suffer.

9. FELLOWSHIP

Fellowship is a cornerstone of CoDA recovery. Many newcomers arrive at their first meeting feeling alone
and isolated. They may be recently out of a relationship or in a relationship in which their emotional needs
are not being met. They come, eager to find answers to their questions, but the no-crosstalk rule discourages
that. However, if they stick around, they learn about fellowship, meetings and how it helps build CoDA
community. Socializing after the meeting provides an opportunity for conversations in which newcomers can
ask questions, talk in more detail, and get to know other members better.
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For most of us, our pasts were filled with secrets we dared not share. Whether we were trying to influence
or avoid others, we eventually found that something was missing. For all our efforts, we never seemed to
find the sense of emotional security and love we craved. We could not see or value our own needs and
wants. Instead, we either became consumed with another person; or we avoided others as much as possible.
No matter what path brought us to our first CoDA meeting, most of us came with a feeling believing things
could be better if we could learn another way.

Codependents are not alone and are not all stamped out of one mold. One thing that keeps us coming back
is our identification with other codependents. As we listen and share in CoDA meetings, we discover that
others have similar feelings and behaviours. We hear our own stories coming from the mouths of strangers
and are given the opportunity to learn from others. Our sense of isolation finally begins to lift. Many of us
experience the “pink cloud” of early recovery, feeling wonderful from identifying with other codependents.
However, we have to be careful not to make other people our Higher Power by seeking our answers and our
definition from them or substituting the Fellowship for our parents, friends, lovers, etc. Although others can
support us on our journey of self-discovery, we also need to look within ourselves to find our own personal
truths. The Fellowship is a community of other recovery people with whom we can be ourselves, without
seeking approval and validation, and a network of support to us throughout our recovery. It is meant to add
to, and complement our lives with a variety of supports – both in giving and receiving.

10. PRAYER AND MEDITATION

The difference between prayer and meditation can be understood by saying that during prayer, we ask our
Higher Power for something, and during meditation, we open ourselves up to hear our Higher Power speak to
us.

Meditation is generally an internal, personal practice. It often involves invoking or cultivating a feeling or
internal state, such as compassion, or attending to a specific focal point. The basic idea behind most forms of
meditation is to focus the mind on turning inward, to pay attention to our inner self and center our
consciousness so that our minds are open and clear. During meditation, the purpose of this inward
concentration is to remove all outside distractions and quiet the chatter inside our heads.

However, during prayer, we clear our minds of all outside distractions in order to be able to focus our
thoughts on the prayer itself and the answers or guidance we hope to find by praying. We pray because we
have faith in our Higher Power. In Step Two, we came to believe in a power greater than ourselves that could
restore us to sanity. We believe He takes care of everything in life and we turn our Wills over to Him. We
believe our Higher Power is in control and everything happens for a reason known to Him. We can only pray
for knowledge of that plan for us and the strength to carry it out the best we can and accept that our
challenges and struggles may be a gift from Him. Through prayer and meditation, we lose all doubt and gain
strength. There is no right or wrong way to pray or to meditate, there is only speaking and listening to our
Higher Power in pursuit of our own spiritual growth.