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14 Ways How to Get an Avoidant to Chase You
Reviewed By

Jennifer Jacobsen Schulz, LCSW

|By

Rachael Pace, Author

21.7k Reads
Updated: 27 Sep, 2024

▪
▪
▪

Listen to this article

In This Article
The avoidant style of attachment: What is it?
Do avoidants ever chase?
How you can effectively attract an avoidant individual
15 ways to make an avoidant individual chase you
Commonly asked questions
For a happy ‘avoidant’ relationship

In case you’re dealing with a partner who you notice pulls away whenever the
relationship begins to feel a tad bit more serious than it was, then the chances
are that you may be dealing with an individual with an avoidant style of
attachment.

So, how to get an avoidant to chase you?

Get therapy from the comfort of your home

Get matched with a vetted, licensed therapist with . 100% online.

Schedule Online Therapy

20% Off First Month

As a BetterHelp partner, we may receive compensation if you purchase through our links.

00:00

04:43

It can be quite frustrating and nerve-wracking to deal with such a romantic

partner. That’s probably why you’ve considered giving this a read.

But there’s good news!

Even avoidants want love. They may not be showing it through their actions,
behaviors, or words, which may seem cold and even very distant at times. But
they need love.

They may try their best (without even knowing it) to deflect or avoid the
commitment of sorts, intimacy, and/or relationships, but it’s different for love.

They can’t run away from the feeling of love. No one can.

So to get an answer to the question of how to get an avoidant to chase you, or

learn about the avoidant love style, or understand how to treat an avoidant
partner, and more, just read on!

The avoidant style of attachment: What is it?

Before you label your girlfriend or boyfriend or spouse as an avoidant partner,
it’s important to figure out whether they even fit this label.

Learning about attachment styles, in general, and the avoidant style of love, in
particular, is fundamental before delving into figuring out how to get an
avoidant to chase you.

The avoidant style of attachment is a psychological term used to describe a

particular pattern of emotional attachment and behavior in
relationships. People with an avoidant attachment style tend to be
uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and often prioritize independence
and self-sufficiency.
They may struggle to fully open up to their partners and may find it
challenging to rely on others for emotional support.

A medical news piece states that developing an avoidant attachment style as

a child can lead to difficulties forming close relationships as an adult.

Do avoidants ever chase?

A fundamental question that you may be asking yourself in your quest to learn
how to get an avoidant to chase you is whether avoidants chase the person
they’re interested in.

And honestly, do avoidants ever chase is a valid question.

After all, navigating your way through the signs an avoidant loves you can be
challenging.

The answer is yes. See, good news!

It is possible for avoidants to chase the people that they’re romantically

interested in. But it isn’t easy.

Love is unavoidable, even for an individual with an avoidant (whether an

anxious-avoidant or a dismissive-avoidant) style. The main takeaway when it
comes to how to get an avoidant to chase you is to remember that a
relationship with such an individual will take time.

Another key takeaway for learning how to get an avoidant to chase you and
how to get an avoidant to commit is to remember that avoidants struggle to
open up, in general. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a friend, a romantic interest,
or a family member.

How you can effectively attract an avoidant individual

The key to learning how to make an avoidant miss you and how to make an
avoidant love you is to fully understand and accept two core components of
this attachment style. These are:

▪ Individuals with dismissive and anxious-avoidant love styles have a

deep-rooted fear of intimacy
▪ Avoidant individuals may also be very scared of being abandoned
When it comes to loving an avoidant partner, it’s important not to intimidate
that individual with your commitment, intimacy, and passion. Even if you don’t
intend to, because of how they’re wired, they may feel overwhelmed or
suffocated by your love and want to step back.

Now that you’ve understood some secrets about avoidants, the following
section will focus on how to get an avoidant to chase you.

RELATED READING
15 Signs of an Avoidant Partner and How to Deal With It

Read Now

15 ways to make an avoidant individual chase you

Let us now take a look at some effective ways to learn how to make an
avoidant chase you. These strategies have been listed as follows:

1. Don’t chase the avoidant

The very first thing you have to do when it comes to learning about how to get
an avoidant to chase you is to stop chasing that avoidant person. Why is this
important?

It’s because people with such an attachment style strongly believe that others
around them just don’t get their feelings or thoughts. Therefore, their
preference is to isolate themselves for reorganizing their thoughts.

Moreover, if you don’t chase them, you’re giving your avoidant partner enough
time to realize that they may be experiencing a void (romantically) in their life.
This is how you can get an avoidant ex to chase you!

RELATED READING
How to Make an Anxious Avoidant Relationship Work: 15 Ways

Read Now

2. Stay mysterious

An air of mystery surrounding your being is not about concealing your

thoughts or opinions or feelings out of fear. Being mysterious is about not
revealing every piece of information (being an open book) from the get-go!
Avoidant individuals are very drawn to people with an air of mystery! If you’re
a bit mysterious, your avoidant partner will have the opportunity to explore you
slowly!

3. The waiting game works

Playing the waiting game is one of the most direct (and unfortunately, the
most difficult to implement) ways when it comes to figure out how to get an
avoidant to chase you.

If you’re dealing with an avoidant ex-partner who broke up with you and said
that they needed space, although you might feel a strong urge to contact
them, don’t. Just don’t.

The best and most effective way is to allow your avoidant ex to ponder over
the relationship and then make the initial move. Playing hard-to-get is very
effective here!

Get therapy from the comfort of your home

Get matched with a vetted, licensed therapist with . 100% online.

Schedule Online Therapy

20% Off First Month

As a BetterHelp partner, we may receive compensation if you purchase through our links.

RELATED READING
How to Make an Avoidant Ex Miss You: 12 Essential Techniques
Read Now

4. Give them space

Allowing adequate personal space and privacy to the avoidant person you’re
interested in is essential. Make it clear to them that you do value personal
space and the importance of spending time alone and focusing on one’s
interests and career.

5. Patience is crucial

By now, you must’ve gathered that one of the most important parts about
getting an avoidant person’s attention is by accepting some harsh truths
about them and accepting them as they are.

However, acceptance of these harsh truths doesn’t happen instantly or

overnight. It takes time. It takes patience.

Patience is key because it will shield you from misunderstanding

your avoidant partner’s behavior. If you misinterpret the amount of time that
you have to wait to get a reply to a text or a phone call as ignorance from their
end, it won’t help!

Patience is a fundamental part of each of the other tactics that have been
mentioned here.
6. Don’t rush them

As already mentioned, one of the biggest things that avoidants absolutely

hate is the feeling that a romantic relationship is moving too fast. They
strongly dislike it when their partners make them feel suffocated by their love.

When telling an avoidant you love them, it’s very important to observe and
listen to what they say in response to that. Rushing them isn’t the way to go
when they’ve directly or indirectly indicated that they need time to think about
the romantic relationship.

You may try communicating by following these tricks:

7. Consider a social media detox

Another great way to add some mystery to your being to get the avoidant
individual curious about your life and whereabouts (especially if you’re
generally very active on social media) is by doing a digital detox (especially
from social media platforms).

This is also effective especially if you’re already in a relationship with an

avoidant partner because usually, avoidants are very private individuals and
they don’t prefer sharing too much about their life or romantic relationships on
social media.
So, if you cut down on posting too much about the relationship on your social
media profiles, it can help you gain your avoidant partner’s trust!

8. Focus on your physical appearance

This is in no way implying that you aren’t already absolutely stunning and
gorgeous. No. This tactic for learning how to get an avoidant to chase you is
just about focusing on your own self. And in particular, your physical
attractiveness.

There’s always some space for a little bit of improvement.

Whether it’s by exploring your sense of style, taking care of your skin, moving
your body, or exploring different hairstyles or haircuts- it’s a great idea
to spend time focusing on yourself instead of spending copious amounts of
time feeling upset about your avoidant partner!

And in this way, when they do come across you, they’ll be reminded of what
they’re missing out on!

RELATED READING
7 Key Signs of Physical Attraction in a Relationship

Read Now

9. Use your body language

One of the simplest and subtlest ways of expressing your romantic interest in
an avoidant individual is by using the power of your body language.
You can utilize body language cues to make them understand that you’re
comfortable in their presence or that you’re content even without the potential
of a relationship with them!

Another great thing about using your body language is that since it’s such a
subtle way to express your feelings, it won’t make the avoidant individual feel
uncomfortable or suffocated.

RELATED READING
What Your Body Language Says About Your Relationship

Read Now

10. Boost the ego

Avoidant individuals often deal with issues like low self-esteem and poor self-
confidence. So, try to figure out ways to boost their ego.

A big reason they might be avoiding you is because they might think that
you’re out of their league! So, figure out ways in which you can let them know
that they’re the only person you’re interested in!

11. Share vulnerabilities

Being vulnerable means opening up about your fears, insecurities, and

feelings. When you share your own vulnerabilities, it can make the avoidant
person feel more comfortable doing the same. It’s like saying, “Hey, it’s okay
to show our true selves.”
12. Positive reinforcement

This is like giving compliments and showing appreciation when the avoidant
person does something good or tries to connect emotionally. It’s a way of
saying, “I notice and value your efforts in our relationship.”

13. Enjoy quality time together

Spending quality time means doing fun or meaningful things together. It’s like
creating happy memories that strengthen your bond. It’s saying, “Let’s have a
good time together and make our relationship special.”

14. Educate yourself

Learning about attachment styles, like avoidant attachment, helps you

understand why people behave the way they do in relationships. It’s like
studying to become better at something. It shows you care about making the
relationship work.

15. Consider professional help

Sometimes, relationships can be tough, and that’s okay. Seeking professional

help means talking to a therapist or counselor who can guide both of you in
improving your relationship. It’s like having a coach to help you become better
partners together.

Commonly asked questions

Building a healthy relationship with an avoidant person should focus on
understanding, respect, and communication rather than trying to manipulate
or obsess over them.

▪ How do you make an avoidant obsess over you?

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding, not

obsession. Trying to make someone obsess over you is not healthy; it’s
essential to focus on a balanced and respectful connection.

▪ Does an avoidant want you to chase them?

Avoidant individuals value independence, so they may not want you to chase
them. Instead, encourage open communication and space to foster a secure
connection.
▪ Who do avoidants attract?

Avoidants may attract those who are comfortable with independence or those
who seek to provide care and support. Relationship dynamics vary, but it’s
crucial to prioritize a healthy balance.

RELATED READING
Understanding The Anxious Avoidant Relationship Trap

Read Now

▪ Do avoidants even care about you?

Avoidants can care deeply, but they may have difficulty expressing their
emotions. Open and empathetic communication can help uncover their
feelings and strengthen the relationship .

For a happy ‘avoidant’ relationship

It may be difficult to try to date a person with an avoidant style of attachment,
but if you are really into this person, you shall find a way.

Consider implementing at least a few of the aforementioned tactics if you

want an avoidant person to chase you. You can also consider doing a
course on attracting an avoidant individual and even counseling that suits
your needs and situation.

Did you find this article helpful?

Expert Q&A

Do avoidants come back after leaving you in the talking stage, especially when they

know you have an anxious attachment style?

Jennifer Jacobsen Schulz

Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Expert Answer

An avoidant may detach from a relationship altogether, because of their fear of

commitment. They may come back if they realize they made a mistake, but they could

also detach completely because they're afraid to commit. Relationships between an

avoidant and someone with an anxious attachment style can be particularly challenging

because the person with the anxious attachment style is likely to trigger the avoidant
with a strong need for reassurance, closeness, and affection. If you cannot decide on

your own, the court will make orders for you related to division, property, debts, and

child custody matters. It is recommended that you speak to a family law attorney

regarding these matters, as a mental health professional cannot give you legal advice.

What can I do to make her feel more secure with me? She is a dismissive-avoidant

partner.

Grady Shumway

Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Expert Answer

With a dismissive-avoidant partner, it’s important to be patient and consistent. Create a

safe, non-pressuring space where she feels she can open up on her terms, and avoid
pushing for emotional closeness too quickly. Building trust over time through reliable

actions and gentle communication will help her feel more secure with you.

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Rachael PaceAuthor

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com.

She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of
motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of
loving partnerships Read more

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Married Life › Relationship Advice & Tips

Did you find this article helpful?

14 Ways How to Get an Avoidant to Chase You

Jennifer Jacobsen Schulz

Reviewed By Jennifer Jacobsen Schulz, LCSW |

By Rachael Pace, Author

21.7k ReadsUpdated: 27 Sep, 2024

Confused couple talking to each other

PlayListen to this article

In This Article

The avoidant style of attachment: What is it?

Do avoidants ever chase?

How you can effectively attract an avoidant individual

15 ways to make an avoidant individual chase you

Commonly asked questions

For a happy ‘avoidant’ relationship

In case you’re dealing with a partner who you notice pulls away whenever the relationship
begins to feel a tad bit more serious than it was, then the chances are that you may be
dealing with an individual with an avoidant style of attachment.

So, how to get an avoidant to chase you?

Get therapy from the comfort of your home

Get matched with a vetted, licensed therapist with BetterHelp logo. 100% online.

20% Off First Month

As a BetterHelp partner, we may receive compensation if you purchase through our links.

00:00

04:43

It can be quite frustrating and nerve-wracking to deal with such a romantic partner. That’s
probably why you’ve considered giving this a read.
But there’s good news!

Even avoidants want love. They may not be showing it through their actions, behaviors, or
words, which may seem cold and even very distant at times. But they need love.

They may try their best (without even knowing it) to deflect or avoid the commitment of
sorts, intimacy, and/or relationships, but it’s different for love.

They can’t run away from the feeling of love. No one can.

So to get an answer to the question of how to get an avoidant to chase you, or learn about
the avoidant love style, or understand how to treat an avoidant partner, and more, just read
on!

The avoidant style of attachment: What is it?

Before you label your girlfriend or boyfriend or spouse as an avoidant partner, it’s important
to figure out whether they even fit this label.

Learning about attachment styles, in general, and the avoidant style of love, in particular, is
fundamental before delving into figuring out how to get an avoidant to chase you.

The avoidant style of attachment is a psychological term used to describe a particular

pattern of emotional attachment and behavior in relationships. People with an avoidant
attachment style tend to be uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and often prioritize
independence and self-sufficiency.
They may struggle to fully open up to their partners and may find it challenging to rely on
others for emotional support.

A medical news piece states that developing an avoidant attachment style as a child can
lead to difficulties forming close relationships as an adult.

Do avoidants ever chase?

Couple running piggyback in the city park

A fundamental question that you may be asking yourself in your quest to learn how to get
an avoidant to chase you is whether avoidants chase the person they’re interested in.

And honestly, do avoidants ever chase is a valid question.

After all, navigating your way through the signs an avoidant loves you can be challenging.

The answer is yes. See, good news!

It is possible for avoidants to chase the people that they’re romantically interested in. But it
isn’t easy.

Love is unavoidable, even for an individual with an avoidant (whether an anxious-avoidant

or a dismissive-avoidant) style. The main takeaway when it comes to how to get an
avoidant to chase you is to remember that a relationship with such an individual will take
time.
Another key takeaway for learning how to get an avoidant to chase you and how to get an
avoidant to commit is to remember that avoidants struggle to open up, in general. It doesn’t
matter whether it’s a friend, a romantic interest, or a family member.

How you can effectively attract an avoidant individual

The key to learning how to make an avoidant miss you and how to make an avoidant love
you is to fully understand and accept two core components of this attachment style. These
are:

Individuals with dismissive and anxious-avoidant love styles have a deep-rooted fear of
intimacy

Avoidant individuals may also be very scared of being abandoned

When it comes to loving an avoidant partner, it’s important not to intimidate that individual
with your commitment, intimacy, and passion. Even if you don’t intend to, because of how
they’re wired, they may feel overwhelmed or suffocated by your love and want to step back.

Now that you’ve understood some secrets about avoidants, the following section will focus
on how to get an avoidant to chase you.

RELATED READING

15 Signs of an Avoidant Partner and How to Deal With It

15 ways to make an avoidant individual chase you

Couple running at each other

Let us now take a look at some effective ways to learn how to make an avoidant chase you.
These strategies have been listed as follows:

1. Don’t chase the avoidant

The very first thing you have to do when it comes to learning about how to get an avoidant to
chase you is to stop chasing that avoidant person. Why is this important?

It’s because people with such an attachment style strongly believe that others around
them just don’t get their feelings or thoughts. Therefore, their preference is to isolate
themselves for reorganizing their thoughts.

Moreover, if you don’t chase them, you’re giving your avoidant partner enough time to
realize that they may be experiencing a void (romantically) in their life. This is how you can
get an avoidant ex to chase you!

RELATED READING

How to Make an Anxious Avoidant Relationship Work: 15 Ways

2. Stay mysterious

An air of mystery surrounding your being is not about concealing your thoughts or opinions
or feelings out of fear. Being mysterious is about not revealing every piece of information
(being an open book) from the get-go!

Avoidant individuals are very drawn to people with an air of mystery! If you’re a bit
mysterious, your avoidant partner will have the opportunity to explore you slowly!

3. The waiting game works

Playing the waiting game is one of the most direct (and unfortunately, the most difficult to
implement) ways when it comes to figure out how to get an avoidant to chase you.

If you’re dealing with an avoidant ex-partner who broke up with you and said that they
needed space, although you might feel a strong urge to contact them, don’t. Just don’t.
The best and most effective way is to allow your avoidant ex to ponder over the relationship
and then make the initial move. Playing hard-to-get is very effective here!

Get therapy from the comfort of your home

Get matched with a vetted, licensed therapist with BetterHelp logo. 100% online.

20% Off First Month

As a BetterHelp partner, we may receive compensation if you purchase through our links.

RELATED READING

How to Make an Avoidant Ex Miss You: 12 Essential Techniques

4. Give them space

Allowing adequate personal space and privacy to the avoidant person you’re interested in
is essential. Make it clear to them that you do value personal space and the importance of
spending time alone and focusing on one’s interests and career.

5. Patience is crucial

By now, you must’ve gathered that one of the most important parts about getting an
avoidant person’s attention is by accepting some harsh truths about them and accepting
them as they are.

However, acceptance of these harsh truths doesn’t happen instantly or overnight. It takes
time. It takes patience.

Patience is key because it will shield you from misunderstanding your avoidant partner’s
behavior. If you misinterpret the amount of time that you have to wait to get a reply to a text
or a phone call as ignorance from their end, it won’t help!

Patience is a fundamental part of each of the other tactics that have been mentioned here.
6. Don’t rush them

As already mentioned, one of the biggest things that avoidants absolutely hate is the
feeling that a romantic relationship is moving too fast. They strongly dislike it when their
partners make them feel suffocated by their love.

When telling an avoidant you love them, it’s very important to observe and listen to what
they say in response to that. Rushing them isn’t the way to go when they’ve directly or
indirectly indicated that they need time to think about the romantic relationship.

You may try communicating by following these tricks:

7. Consider a social media detox

Another great way to add some mystery to your being to get the avoidant individual curious
about your life and whereabouts (especially if you’re generally very active on social media)
is by doing a digital detox (especially from social media platforms).

This is also effective especially if you’re already in a relationship with an avoidant partner
because usually, avoidants are very private individuals and they don’t prefer sharing too
much about their life or romantic relationships on social media.

So, if you cut down on posting too much about the relationship on your social media
profiles, it can help you gain your avoidant partner’s trust!

8. Focus on your physical appearance

This is in no way implying that you aren’t already absolutely stunning and gorgeous. No.
This tactic for learning how to get an avoidant to chase you is just about focusing on your
own self. And in particular, your physical attractiveness.

There’s always some space for a little bit of improvement.

Whether it’s by exploring your sense of style, taking care of your skin, moving your body, or
exploring different hairstyles or haircuts- it’s a great idea to spend time focusing on yourself
instead of spending copious amounts of time feeling upset about your avoidant partner!

And in this way, when they do come across you, they’ll be reminded of what they’re missing
out on!

RELATED READING

7 Key Signs of Physical Attraction in a Relationship

9. Use your body language

One of the simplest and subtlest ways of expressing your romantic interest in an avoidant
individual is by using the power of your body language.

You can utilize body language cues to make them understand that you’re comfortable in
their presence or that you’re content even without the potential of a relationship with them!

Another great thing about using your body language is that since it’s such a subtle way to
express your feelings, it won’t make the avoidant individual feel uncomfortable or
suffocated.

RELATED READING

What Your Body Language Says About Your Relationship

10. Boost the ego

Avoidant individuals often deal with issues like low self-esteem and poor self-confidence.
So, try to figure out ways to boost their ego.

A big reason they might be avoiding you is because they might think that you’re out of their
league! So, figure out ways in which you can let them know that they’re the only person
you’re interested in!

11. Share vulnerabilities

Being vulnerable means opening up about your fears, insecurities, and feelings. When you
share your own vulnerabilities, it can make the avoidant person feel more comfortable
doing the same. It’s like saying, “Hey, it’s okay to show our true selves.”

12. Positive reinforcement

This is like giving compliments and showing appreciation when the avoidant person does
something good or tries to connect emotionally. It’s a way of saying, “I notice and value
your efforts in our relationship.”

13. Enjoy quality time together

Spending quality time means doing fun or meaningful things together. It’s like creating
happy memories that strengthen your bond. It’s saying, “Let’s have a good time together
and make our relationship special.”

Couple romance

14. Educate yourself

Learning about attachment styles, like avoidant attachment, helps you understand why
people behave the way they do in relationships. It’s like studying to become better at
something. It shows you care about making the relationship work.
15. Consider professional help

Sometimes, relationships can be tough, and that’s okay. Seeking professional help means
talking to a therapist or counselor who can guide both of you in improving your relationship.
It’s like having a coach to help you become better partners together.

Commonly asked questions

Building a healthy relationship with an avoidant person should focus on understanding,

respect, and communication rather than trying to manipulate or obsess over them.

How do you make an avoidant obsess over you?

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding, not obsession. Trying
to make someone obsess over you is not healthy; it’s essential to focus on a balanced and
respectful connection.

Does an avoidant want you to chase them?

Avoidant individuals value independence, so they may not want you to chase them.
Instead, encourage open communication and space to foster a secure connection.

Who do avoidants attract?

Avoidants may attract those who are comfortable with independence or those who seek to
provide care and support. Relationship dynamics vary, but it’s crucial to prioritize a healthy
balance.

RELATED READING

Understanding The Anxious Avoidant Relationship Trap

Do avoidants even care about you?

Avoidants can care deeply, but they may have difficulty expressing their emotions. Open
and empathetic communication can help uncover their feelings and strengthen the
relationship .

For a happy ‘avoidant’ relationship

It may be difficult to try to date a person with an avoidant style of attachment, but if you are
really into this person, you shall find a way.

Consider implementing at least a few of the aforementioned tactics if you want an avoidant
person to chase you. You can also consider doing a course on attracting an avoidant
individual and even counseling that suits your needs and situation.

Did you find this article helpful?

Expert Q&A

Expert Q&A

Do avoidants come back after leaving you in the talking stage, especially when they know
you have an anxious attachment style?

Jennifer Jacobsen SchulzVerified Image

Jennifer Jacobsen Schulz

Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Expert Answer

An avoidant may detach from a relationship altogether, because of their fear of

commitment. They may come back if they realize they made a mistake, but they could also
detach completely because they’re afraid to commit. Relationships between an avoidant
and someone with an anxious attachment style can be particularly challenging because
the person with the anxious attachment style is likely to trigger the avoidant with a strong
need for reassurance, closeness, and affection. If you cannot decide on your own, the
court will make orders for you related to division, property, debts, and child custody
matters. It is recommended that you speak to a family law attorney regarding these
matters, as a mental health professional cannot give you legal advice.

What can I do to make her feel more secure with me? She is a dismissive-avoidant partner.

Grady ShumwayVerified Image

Grady Shumway

Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Expert Answer

With a dismissive-avoidant partner, it’s important to be patient and consistent. Create a

safe, non-pressuring space where she feels she can open up on her terms, and avoid
pushing for emotional closeness too quickly. Building trust over time through reliable
actions and gentle communication will help her feel more secure with you.

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Rachael Pace

Rachael Pace

Author

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides
inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays.
Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships Read more

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