I was blackmailed and forced to do the unthinkable. DEAR JANE, how do I hide it from my wife?

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Dear Jane,

I made a horrible transgression in my marriage and now I'm paying the price – figuratively and literally.

I got caught up in an affair – I didn't realize, however, that the woman was really a scam artist. 

I've never cheated before, but I met this woman on social media and we began exchanging flirty messages. Our conversations then turned to texting, where we swapped photos that became X-rated.

But it turned out, she wasn't who I thought she was. She was a scammer, and threatened to send those incriminating photos to my friends, family, and even my wife, if I didn't send her $1,000.

In a panic, I gave up the cash, hoping this issue would disappear. But there was just one problem: I accidentally sent it from the bank account I share with my wife.

Now, my wife is asking questions about the mysterious missing funds.

I already regretted the short-lived affair but thought I could take this secret to the grave knowing I'd never do it again. 

If I confess, I'll have a clean conscience, but will likely ruin my marriage over a stupid lapse in judgment. If I lie, I'll be burdened with that guilt forever. 

Do I tell her about my online affair, or do I concoct a lie about the missing money?

Sincerely,

Costly mistake

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most burning issues in her agony aunt column

Dear Costly mistake,

What a deeply painful conundrum to have. You are not only dealing with guilt, but also fear and, most corrosive of all, shame.

What happened was not solely infidelity, it was also victimization. 

Scammers deliberately prey on the vulnerable, and they are very clever - they know exactly how to lure people in.

But the problem with blackmail is that paying up guarantees nothing. It might silence them temporarily, but there is nothing to stop them from threatening you again in the future.

Confessing to your wife is the only possible resolution here, no matter how difficult the fallout may be. With luck, she may understand. 

But she also has the right to feel angry, hurt and betrayed. Let her feel all her feelings and allow her the time and space to process them. It may help to offer her full transparency going forward after breaking her trust.

Keeping this from her, however, doesn't lead to anything good. A lie can quickly unravel, and carrying the burden of guilt is corrosive to both your relationship and your wellbeing. 

I also suggest you report the scam. Even though you might not see your money again, it could prevent this from happening to someone else.

As painful as the truth may be, it's the only way to heal this relationship, and to rebuild your life with dignity, whether that's together or apart.

Dear Jane,

I want to warn my friend that her boyfriend is a kleptomaniac – but it might ruin our friendship.

It all started when we were shopping together and he broke away from us to peruse a different aisle.

When we finally found him, I could have sworn I saw him pocket an item off the shelf without paying for it.

At the time, I didn't say anything, convincing myself that there was no way he shoplifted. He seemed like a trustworthy guy.

But a few weeks later, I invited my friend group over to my place.

After everyone left, I realized my favorite watch was missing from my nightstand. Frantically, I searched the apartment high and low, but turned up empty handed.

That's when I realized – in the midst of the dinner party, my friend's boyfriend had snuck off to the bathroom. I'm convinced that he took it, but I don't have any proof.

I want to confront him so that I can get it back, but I don't know how if I can't prove it. 

I doubt he would confess anyway, and by accusing him, my relationship with my friend will likely be ruined. She should, however, be warned about her boyfriend.

How do I ask for my watch back without ruining my friendship?

Sincerely,

Sticky fingers 

Dear Sticky fingers,

Oh, this is a terrible bind.

I remember, years ago, I hired the daughter of friends to babysit my youngest kids.

Every time she babysat, things went missing. We were convinced it was her, yet we had no proof.

Telling our friends would have destroyed our relationship, and without firm evidence, they likely would not have believed us. 

Instead, we stopped hiring her as a babysitter, and stopped recommending her to anyone else. Years later, our eldest daughter revealed she and all her friends knew that this girl stole things.

Without proof, however, any accusation will fall on deaf ears. 

Confronting your friend's boyfriend is unlikely to do anything. He will only be defensive and deny it furiously.

Telling your friend that you know he stole your watch is likely to end your friendship - especially without evidence.

While there is a way to ask him and to alert her without being accusatory, you must let go of your expectations. 

You can tell him that, although it sounds odd, your watch went missing. Say you have checked with everyone at the party, and ask if there any way he might have accidentally grabbed it. This would allow him to miraculously 'find' it, should he so choose.

If you decide to tell your friend, do not frame it as an accusation. Rather, say you're concerned about something that's awkward to discuss. You can tell her that your watch is missing, and recall what you observed in the store. Note that you aren't sure, but it has been bothering you, so you wanted to let her know.

And then, unfortunately, you have to let it go.

If you invite them over again, lock up your valuables or set up a secret nanny cam should you leave anything out in the open. At least then you will have evidence.