There's nothing more revolting than a man in a quarter-zip. I know exactly why they wear this drippy, emasculating style... Prince Harry is typical. And no, it's not why you think: FLORA GILL
Winter is my favourite season for men’s fashion. Summer is a disaster for the chaps – knees poking out of shorts, sweat stains seeping out from wrinkled T-shirts. No thank you.
But the colder months are upon us and there’s nothing sexier to me than a man in layers.
Throw on that woollen scarf, that long billowing coat and a cosy jumper and I’ll be desperate to unwrap you like a Christmas gift.
Men often talk about a strappy sundress on a woman being the ultimate sartorial turn-on. To my mind, the male equivalent is a thick, luxuriant knit.
And there are options – there’s the classic fisherman style (think actor Chris Evans in 2019 film Knives Out), there’s the festive polo neck (see literally every character in Love Actually) or even the chunky, grandad cardigan (Charlie Hunnam in The Gentlemen is a particular favourite).
Alas, there is also a fourth option currently doing the rounds that I cannot abide. A knit so egregious, yet so popular, it’s now travelling indiscriminately through my male friendship group like a contagion. It is, of course, the ‘quarter zip’ – any sweater with a zip to mid-chest.
I’m not sure how this drippy, passive outerlayer has taken hold of so many – including my own dear husband – but we must put a stop to it.
Literally every ‘finance bro’ and posh boy in the public eye (yes, you, Prince Harry) seems to live in them.
The problem is that, when it comes to style, men follow each other like lemmings, and we’re near the point where they won’t remember any other clothes exist.
I’m not sure how this drippy, passive outerlayer has taken hold of so many – including my own dear husband – but we must put a stop to it, writes Flora Gill
Having said that, the quarter zip does have a (very narrow) place in society. It’s for middle-aged politicians attempting to look relaxed
Expect entire wardrobes stuffed with these things in every colour and thread count – a sea of jumpers with that pathetic little cool-me-down-or-cosy-me-up zip offering the illusion of versatility.
So strong are my feelings that I would honestly take a novelty Christmas jumper over it – at least that has whimsy and a sense of irony, rather than just being the uniform of the uninspired.
Worst of all, while festive clothes have a short shelf-life, men seem to don the quarter zip well into spring.
I know what they think they’re doing. They’ve binge-watched too much Succession and they’ve seen women chase fund managers, so they’re trying to project quiet luxury... but it’s not working.
Perhaps if you’ve gone for the baby cashmere Loro Piana version that costs a whopping £1,255, then it might.
But let’s be honest, we can all recognise a staple that’s more M&S than FTSE.
Besides, cosplaying the super rich is so unimaginative and uninteresting – their style is as weak as their chins and not something any sensible man should try to emulate.
Having said that, the quarter zip does have a (very narrow) place in society. It’s for middle-aged politicians attempting to look relaxed while also being too scared to let go sartorially. Think Rishi Sunak in his Yorkshire weekend best.
It’s the physical equivalent of having only one pop song choice on Desert Island Discs or walking out to the podium to an instrumental version of a Taylor Swift song. For them, it’s the perfect blend of smart and chilled that tricks the populace into thinking they’re one of us, kind of.
For the exact same reason, they also hold a place for those in line to the throne. For the Prince of Wales, the quarter zip is like a royal version of joggers and a hoodie.
Last week, I went shopping with my husband and somehow, without me noticing, he slipped a quarter zip into his pile to try on.
When he emerged from the changing room like a pooch at a dog show waiting for judging, I visibly recoiled.
Not since I saw a photo of him as a teenager wearing an Ed Hardy T-shirt have I got such an ick. I’m not usually a wife who tells my partner what he can and can’t wear, but there are exceptions – I vetoed that jumper at lightning speed.
But honestly I think that makes me a good wife, because some women would rejoice in dressing their husbands like sexless stooges.
Quarter zips are the red trousers of my generation. They feel like they were designed for children – a whole zip is too tricky for small fingers, after all, so look we’ve done most of the work for you!
When I see a grown man in one, it’s the equivalent of seeing an adult in Velcro shoes... or with gloves connected through their coat with string.
Perhaps they wouldn’t be so offensive if they weren’t so widespread. When did everyone get so predictable?
Gents, if six of your friends are all sporting the same top, maybe it’s time to embrace your own style.
No, I’m afraid my mind’s made up – the quarter zip is a sartorial parasite with a perilous stranglehold on our nation’s menfolk. It must be destroyed.
