I long for a sexual relationship but fear I'm too old. Since my husband's death, I feel doomed to a life of celibacy despite being fit and active. What can I do? BEL MOONEY has the powerful answer
Dear Bel,
Throughout our 53-year marriage, my husband and I maintained a loving and very active physical relationship.
Sadly, five years ago he became ill, resulting in impotence, and, devastatingly, he eventually passed away.
It is now two years since his death and I miss him every day. But even more so, and I hope this won’t shock you, I really also miss that physical side to my life.
I am not lonely, far from it – I have a wide circle of friends, belong to a number of interesting social clubs and take part in lots of fun group activities. But despite being in my early 80s, I still have a deep yearning for a sexual relationship. I am, I like to think, reasonably good-looking, well-maintained and modern in my outlook, and am often told I appear much younger than my years.
I am also, fortunately, extremely fit and healthy. However, I feel too old and nervous to contemplate internet dating and have absolutely no desire to marry again. Is there any solution you know for my problem?
I am sure I am not unique in my desires, yet hate the thought that I am doomed to resign myself to a celibate existence for this final part of my life.
Lena
It doesn’t shock me that you ‘miss the physical side’ of married life, but to be honest it does rather surprise me – because I’ve talked to many older woman, and some younger ones too, who have found desire waning and sex a bit of a chore.
It may be that they are menopausal, or just past that stage. We do change in midlife, and desire is sometimes left far behind.
But younger mothers, rushed off their feet, also find themselves longing for bed just to sleep. If the choice is between a steaming mug of hot chocolate and the palaver of steamy sex, they’ll go for the comfort of the former. After all, got to get up at 7am to make the packed lunches, check the uniforms, give the sprogs their breakfast, get ready for work, do the school run … exhausting.
So you may not be ‘unique’, but in my experience you are unusual to be so very keen on sex in your early 80s.
I hope other female readers won’t deluge me with emails protesting that I know nothing! Those of you who, like Lena, are still sexually active should just congratulate yourselves; I wish you nothing but satisfaction. Which is what you, Lena, long for. But I’m wondering whether it is the physical act you miss, or the presence of the man you loved so dearly – and still mourn – in your bed. So that if you happened to meet a man who wanted to have sex with you and nothing else, whether you would feel sad and empty after the act.
After all, you have always associated lovemaking with love. But if it is only sexual release you want, it would be easy enough to order a vibrator online (try the Lovehoney website) and experiment with that, giving yourself pleasure as and when you want. You might find it fun.
I totally understand that you’d never go for internet dating, but with your wide and varied social life you still might meet a man you could have a relationship with. It was so pleasing to read that you have such a full, active life.
But be warned – many men your age also lose interest in sex and just long to be half of a cosy, companionable couple, one each side of the fire, and maybe separate bedrooms because of the snoring. But if you were to meet such a man, kind, loving and interesting but not that sexy, who knows what could follow? You could show him things he’d never dreamed of – and how terrific that would be for you both.
Or you could realise that the combination of a nice guy to go around with, and a vibrator in your bedside drawer, might be a winning combination.
My question to you is this: are you up for a purely physical one‑night stand, or not? If you don’t mind, there are plenty of men who would go along with that, some of whom like older women. It would do you no harm to search online without necessarily signing up for anything.
But you’d have to be very careful. There are plenty of unpleasant people out there keen on exploitation, and worse. You could find that remaining ‘celibate’ within a life full of friendship would be a much happier option.
All I can advise is this: examine your deepest feelings, and ask yourself whether it’s the sex you miss when you think about your husband, or the loving relationship which lasted so long.
Here’s a blunt question for you: looking ahead, would you choose to remain alone simply because you discovered a man you liked had no interest in Viagra?
Wastrel sister takes parents for fools
Dear Bel,
I’m 50 and my younger sister has been a financial drain for as long as I can remember.
Over the years, I’ve lent her thousands, and my parents still bail her out. It drives me mad.
She’s single, never managed to build a stable career and still lives at home with our parents — supposedly to ‘help’ them, but really because she’s never been able to stand on her own feet.
We had the same opportunities, yet she squandered them, drifting from one idea to the next. I’ve tried everything: calm conversations, setting repayment plans, refusing her requests. Nothing changes.
I work full-time to support my own family and keep everything afloat. I can’t help resenting how easy she has it – no rent, no real responsibilities – while I’m breaking my back to do the right thing.
I feel guilty and angry at the same time – guilty for being so resentful, angry because it’s not right.
I don’t want to lose my sister, but I can’t keep watching my parents be taken advantage of. They are getting older, and while I know she will look after them when needed, who is going to look after her when they go?
Is it possible to accept who she is without feeling such resentment?
Jason
That word ‘possible’ made me reflect on the enormous gap between what is ‘possible’ and what is ‘acceptable’.
Of course it is ‘possible’ to put up with the most annoying (and worse) traits of family members, but there comes a time in many lives when you ask yourself: ‘Why the hell should I?’
Your letter is a cry from the heart from the good child who does everything right – just like the older son in the story of the Prodigal Son in the Bible, who resents the fact that his wastrel of a younger brother still remains the favourite in spite of all his selfish carelessness.
When your sister was born I imagine your parents were thrilled to have a daughter, to make a ‘perfect pair’ with her big brother. I wonder if they started indulging her back then, when she was still a child: daddy’s girl and mummy’s pet. Perhaps you have memories of when the boy who was you thought little sis was getting away with murder.
You say you have ‘tried everything’ – to no avail. What you don’t make clear is whether you have ever had the tough conversation with your parents, pointing out that when they continue to indulge this grown woman they are, in fact, infantilising her, rendering her unable to stand on her own two feet.
You would be completely within your rights to tell them how much money she has ‘borrowed’ from you – money you know you will never see paid back – and how that money was needed for your children.
I wouldn’t necessarily mention the money they give her because that would make you look jealous and petty. But is it their fault that your sister is so thoughtless and entitled? I’m afraid it probably is.
Of course, you don’t want a massive family row to make everybody miserable. But since this problem is eating you up, I think you must say something to your parents.
You have a job and a family – with, presumably, all the usual problems that the current economic climate inflicts on us all. They ought to be able to see how they have hurt you by frittering their money on a daughter who is always asking for more.
Will you change their behaviour by speaking out? I doubt it. Did talking to your sister do any good? No. However, you need to be honest, or else one day your anger might burst out, with unfortunate effects.
Once you have (quietly and firmly) told your parents as well as your sister, you will probably stop feeling quite so guilty as well as resentful.
I see no need for guilt and every cause for irritation. But I wouldn’t worry too much about taking care of your sister in the future. Who knows what will happen? The ‘what if?’ game is a waste of energy.
And finally... How I get through this dark month
This time of year is melancholy in spite of (or even because of) Christmas coming soon.
So much to worry about: the cold weather (which will get colder), the endless to-do lists, coughs and colds, doing sums to work out how much more you’ll be spending, no hope of saving, repeated ‘healthy food’ advice everywhere when all you want is to scoff and drink – and, looming darkly over all of us, the dreaded pall of politics at home and abroad.
Those are general points countless readers will recognise. But in addition we all have our very personal woes.
My husband and I have recently been most horribly let down by a man (once, but no longer, a friend of my son) to whom we showed nothing but kindness for the past three or four years.
It’s been a bitter and unpleasant experience – leaving us seriously angry as well as out of pocket.
Then two things happened this week which made me sad. I heard that my first big love, last seen when I was 21, died suddenly in October.
Once we thought we might marry, but (to be honest) I hurt him badly.
Such things happen when you are young, but you don’t forget them, do you?
A different sort of sorrow was an anniversary: on Wednesday my second son, stillborn in 1975, would have reached his fiftieth birthday.
The strangeness of that thought makes me shiver. It’s as if he just stopped by to change my life, then said goodbye before I could know him.
Always remembered in November.
I begin each day with a simple prayer which says this: ‘Thank you for my life, thank you for the blessings I have and please help me be worthy of them.’ Strangely, in the end, it brings some consolation.
