DEAR CAROLINE: My husband won't admit he's being controlled by his pushy, manipulative sister. How can I make him stand up to her?
Q My wife and I are both in our early 70s and have been married for just over 50 years. Not long after our wedding she had an affair with her much older boss. I arrived home early from work and found them in our bedroom, though not undressed. She said it was because he showed more interest in her than I did. My wife later admitted that things had been going on for a few weeks and that they had been intimate during a business trip, though she promised me they had not had sexual intercourse.
I was furious as she had asked my permission to go with him on the trip, and must have known what might happen. I had no one to talk to and didn’t know what to do for the best.
In time, my anger subsided. She changed jobs and we went on to have two sons and build a loving, fulfilling marriage – though with little intimacy in the bedroom, which I accepted in order to stay together.
However, a recent event brought it all back. I told her how hard it had been to rebuild trust after her affair. She replied that she didn’t see it as an affair, only that she’d spent more time with him than me. Inside I was seething but didn’t know what to say. I now struggle to sleep and am unsure how to move forward.
Am I foolish not to leave this in the past?
A I’m so sorry to hear this. The anger and anxiety you felt at the time have come to the surface again, making it feel as though the affair has only just happened.
Being very close to someone, seeing them in secret and sharing thoughts and feelings with them, instead of a partner, constitutes an emotional affair. This can be just as painful as a physical one – and just as damaging to a marriage.
Sadly (though I hate to suggest this), I suspect your wife may not have told you the whole truth about the physical nature of what happened. It is especially hard that she now denies it and will not talk about it. She may feel embarrassed or guilty, and she probably regrets it deeply. Remember that she is not the same person she was 50 years ago – nor are you – and I am sure she would not make that choice again.
It must have been very difficult for you at the time not to have anyone to confide in. Things were so different back then and you probably felt too ashamed or distressed. But this has left your feelings unresolved. You now need to talk about it properly to move forward. Please tell your wife how much distress this is causing you and ask her to come to counselling.
It could also help with the lack of intimacy that has been such a sadness for you. I do hope she will agree but if she refuses, do go on your own. It would be so sad if this impasse continued when so much of your marriage has been good. Visit relate.org.uk or bacp.co.uk. Also see your doctor regarding sleep.
WHY WON'T MY HUSBAND STAND UP TO HIS SISTER?
Q My sister-in-law is far too involved in our family decisions. She’s ten years older than my husband, has a very successful medical career and no children. He has always been a bit in awe of her, but doesn’t see how manipulative and controlling she can be.
Lately, she’s been putting pressure on my husband to steer our eldest daughter away from her chosen arts degree and into a STEM subject. Luckily, our daughter knows her own mind, but I’m now having to stop my husband persuading her to switch. He insists his sister is just trying to help and can’t see how pushy she’s being. How can I get him to make her back off?
A There is a great deal at play here. Your sister-in-law has adopted something of a maternal role in your husband’s life. Because of the age gap and his admiration for her career, he may still fall into the role of deferential younger brother. She may genuinely believe she is helping your daughter, though she is clearly overstepping. Perhaps, especially as she is childless, she is continuing this semi-maternal pattern towards her niece, encouraging her to follow a similar path to her own. But this is not her decision.
Your husband doesn’t have to be the one who speaks to her. Your sister-in-law sounds formidable, but you can channel your calm authority and say firmly – without anger – that you, your husband and your daughter’s school have discussed her choice and it isn’t helpful for her to intervene.
Remind her (and your husband) that if your daughter chooses a degree that her heart is not set on, she is more likely to struggle. Her happiness, not someone else’s ambition, is what matters.
